True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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