So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
