Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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