he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
