If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
