how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
