haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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