like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
