So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
