dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
