I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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