My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Randomize
