I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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