david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
