If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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