my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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