God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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