As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
