remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
