There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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