actually, I'm a sock model
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize