They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
