If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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