If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
