i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
zippers are such a cool invention
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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