Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
