Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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