i think my tv is drunk
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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