i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
