I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
