Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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