just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
they're like a gay fantastic four
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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