So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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