She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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