I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
