i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
