haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
