He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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