bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
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