Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
