3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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