i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
