So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
