my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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