My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
