Apparently you make a good broom.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
