I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
