Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
