thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
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