OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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