K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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