After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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