I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
