Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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