I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
