my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
