I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
