Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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