I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
