btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
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