I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
is that a dick in a sweater?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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