yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My vagina is very pro this idea
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
